We're trying to be understanding that the types of communication he has with his friends is different than how we might choose to interact with our peers. My husband and I are all about sarcasm and snide comments. Backhanded compliments and outright insults can be okay too if the scenario is such that everyone understands it's all in good fun and no slight is taken by the person. It is just hard to tell when all you can hear is one side of the conversation because the remainder is happening inside headphones.
My son was told he had to talk nicely or he'd lose the ability to spend time online playing games with his friends. He complained to me later, in a rather nice way, that he was just talking like everyone else. That by saying he had to talk nicely, we were effectively muting him because he couldn't participate and be, well he didn't say this exactly, but what he wants is to be seen as "cool."
Yesterday at dinner he spoke to us in that same tone and turn of phrase, which sparked a conversation, or perhaps lecture is a better word, about how if he couldn't tell the difference on when to use polite words, then he wasn't going to be allowed to talk with his friends that way.
We want him to feel accepted. He's trying so hard to be seen as interesting and the kind of guy other boys would want to hang out with. And we don't want to crush that. But he has to be responsible. Which is why today when he was aslked multiple times by me to get off the computer, eat lunch and pack up to go on an overnight with Nana and Papa, he said angrily to his friend down the street how his stupid mom was being stupid and making him get off the computer.
So I took his keyboard. He had a friend right there, looking in the window. I didn't make him look bad. I let him grumble and even let him go back outside, calling him in twice more to pack for the trip and telling him he had to sweep up all the rice he'd thrown around the porch (and it definitely was thrown) but that it was easily remedied because he could just sweep it off the edge. I even gave him the broom.
He had to pack himself. He wanted to play with his friends outside, but he'd elected to spend time on the computer, so I wasn't overly sorry for his last-minute scrambling. I repeated multiple times that I was not making him look bad in front of his friends, but that we expected him to speak to us and about us with respect. When he returns tomorrow, he can see what he can do to convince me he should get his keyboard back (and therefore access to the computer.)
The Big Boy Update: My son wasn't interested in packing so he shoved some clothes in the bag I put out. He did remember to bring underwear (Nana checked). What he didn't remember were shoes. At all. I don't know how he got in their car to go to their house with no shoes, but he's there for a full day with none to speak of. Nana called and said she hoped he didn't get blisters.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: My daughter, on the other hand, packed a tidy collection of all the things she'd need for the trip to Nana and Papas, laid them out on our bed and then asked for two bags so she could put her rollerblades and helmet in one and her clothes and shoes in the other. She brought two pair of shoes for the trip. Pity my son can't wear hers since she would likely be glad to share if he could.
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