...but it sure feels like it sometimes. I hear from other parents regularly that their child or children went through the same thing or does similar or other related things. They assure me our children aren't bad-mannered, spoiled brats, but it doesn't seem like it from here. We aren't easy on them (I don't think). We have expectations for behavior, language, and politeness. We give out consequences and follow through. We are consistent and we always back the other parent up unless by accident and then we explain to the children so they will understand.
And yet it seems like we have ill-tempered, spoiled brats that can't get along with each other or anyone and believe violence, insults rudeness and ignoring instructions from adults is okay. Are they privileged? Yes, they lead a privileged life. We have the financial means to keep them fed, certainly, but they also have many toys, are able to go to places and do activities that are fun whenever we want to do them. They have two parents with flexible work schedules who are around a lot and four loving grandparents who dote on them and give them lots of time and love.
Which is why I am so frustrated at them, again. We had a New Year's Day party we've been looking forward to going to. My husband went to the store in the morning to get supplies to make baked ziti. He cooked the pasta, made the sauce and assembled the ziti before he and his parents left to go see Star Wars. When he got home he cooked it and when it was ready we were leaving for the party with the children.
There is another story I wanted to write about instead of this one, which happened in between the time he left for the movie and before we left for the party, but it will have to wait for now because this story is taking precedence in my mind. Perhaps if I have enough energy after I'm done here and if the ring of pain around my trunk isn't too bad, I'll write it today.
During the time he got back and until we left, he was pretty much correcting my son non-stop and my daughter incrementally. I was busy with our guest, about which the other, happier story, revolves. As we drove off for the party, an event that both children had complained about going to, even though it was to Theo's house (who goes to my son's school and came over to create pictures on my daughter's braillewriter). We were fairly certain both children would have fun. Even so, I'd packed some entertainment for both of them. I expected the party to be packed with both adults and children.
In the car I calmly talked to them about being respectful, using appropriate language and using their best manners at the party. My daughter interrupted me mid-sentence to talk about something totally unrelated. I asked her to wait. My son wanted to put on a comedian station on the radio, even though my husband had said we weren't going to have any audio. They didn't even act like I'd mentioned anything. I asked if they had any comments.
My daughter wanted only to talk about something unrelated. My son was unhappy about the lack of music to his liking. I tried again, trying to keep my composure. They gave flippant remarks and then started an argument between each other about who got more or less or who's turn it was. I got upset and said all I had wanted was to have a nice time out where they were on their best behavior. My son said, "I'm not falling for that." And then I lost it. I told my husband to take us home. We weren't going to the party.
I was mad. I told them we were tired of their behavior. When they got home, they would be going to separate rooms (which were empty bedrooms with nothing to entertain them). Now they were upset. I told them how their father had worked hard to make a dish for the party and now we weren't getting to go. My husband said he was disappointed because we had both been looking forward to attending the party. The children now both said they had wanted to go to the party too and balked, saying it wasn't true that they had said they didn't want to go. We reminded them when they had complained about the party.
I don't think they believed we were going home. When they discovered we were, they both got upset. They even asked if we were serious. My husband said yes, we were. We got home and sent them to different rooms. My husband brought them paper to write how they felt. My son drew a picture and said he felt like a prisoner and then tried to leave the room multiple times. Both children complained about being hungry...starving even. We told them the food had been at the party. They didn't like the thought of that.
In the car, before we got home I had told them exactly what I thought about things. I told my children I hated them. I said I wasn't falling for it about my son saying he really wanted to go to the party. My daughter typed up her feelings, saying, "I hate you mom you are the worst why do you half to exsist I love you but I don't right now."
After about forty-five minutes, my husband and I decided to have a conversation with them to see if they had changed attitudes. I called them out into the hall and asked them to sit beside me. I asked them how they felt. My daughter told me about what she wrote, saying it was her feelings. I told her it was always okay to express your feelings to us, but that the way we express things can have hurtful consequences. I explained to them that I used the words, "I hate you" in the car because that's what my daughter had said to our neighbors and their fathers the other day. If it hurt them to hear that, maybe they could understand what someone else might feel if it was said to them. I told my son I said, "I'm not buying it" about him saying he'd be good because that's what he had said to me. I said I hadn't meant either of those things, but I wanted them to experience the power of their words.
They said they could be well-behaved and did want to go to the party. We said we would try, but if things went downhill, we were coming immediately back home. We got in the car and had a nice time, leaving after the party was officially over. I don't know how long the change in behavior is going to last but I think we got through to them today. They have habits we need to break as well as some bad habits of our own as adults we need to work on. Hopefully, today we made progress in the right direction.
The New Year's Fortune Visit: This is the story that happened in the middle of the day today. Mrs. Aagaard messaged me in the early hours of the morning today, asking if we were around and if we'd like to have her come over to give my children a New Year's fortune that was a tradition in her family. We scheduled her arrival at two o'clock, before we had to leave for the party. She had asked if Madison would like to have a fortune too since she had met Madison at our last festival meeting. She arrived with an angel food cake and some charms. She divided the cake up into pieces and then hid a charm inside each piece. Each child held their hand over the slices until they felt the fortune that they were the closest to. With our slices, we each found our charm and she told us what each fortune meant. My daughter had a penny, representing finding fortune in something in the coming year. My son had a car meaning he would take a trip this year. Madison had a man which said she would be making a new friend. I had a ball so I would be picking up a new sport or would have fun in a new way this year and my husband had glasses indicating he was going to learn something new this year. We are so fortunate to have such a good friend in Mrs. Aagaard. It is always a pleasure to see her and we always learn something new. She left when my husband's baked Ziti was ready and it was time to go. She and I had gotten involved in a discussion about education and her experiences as a teacher—a subject she and I agreed we could talk for hours on. We agreed to reconvene in the future for more discussion when time permitted.
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