I'm Not a Smart Boy

Children are both tough and delicate at the same time.  Some things, you can tell them again and again and they don't get (or choose to ignore), while other things they absorb from hearing it across the room.   Say, like swear words.   Children can hear those in the next room, with the door closed and they can spit them back out at just the right (or rather wrong) time later.

My son is very resilient; but he is also very sensitive.   We've been careful to never say things like, "you're a bad boy", to him or "you're a bad girl", to my daughter.   Saying things like, "you're stupid" or "bad" are labels that apply to the child as an individual, not a particular behavior.   Hitting your sister over the head with a toy is a behavior that's bad, but the child that did the behavior isn't a bad individual.

Today while my children were at school I got a text from his teacher.   She told me she asked him to use his gentle hands.  She asked why he was using his rough hands and he said, "one day I will be a smart boy and use my gentle hands.  I am not a smart guy."

When did he hear that?  We never tell him anything negative like that.  We don't tell him he has to do things to be smart or that the "smart boys" do such-and-such or that, "smart boys do/don't do that."  She knew we didn't speak to out children that way, but she was concerned enough to let me know, and I told her I appreciated it.

I talked to him after school and he very sadly,  seemed to believe he wasn't smart.   We had several conversations during the rest of the day and I think I've been mostly able to change his feelings about being smart.

I'm not sure where this came from, but I'm going to use my, "listening ears" and see what I hear as my little guy is apparently quite sensitive.

The Big Boy Update:  My son likes to do a "fist bump high-five" before going off to school.   With one hand he gives daddy a high-five and with the other he fist bumps daddy's other hand.   My daughter is still working on the coordination to get this goodbye ritual down.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:   Swimming and breathing.   We went to the pool this afternoon and it's been several days since I've gone with them.   My daughter is now swimming out into the middle of the pool without a worry, because she can lift her head up enough to get a breath, and can do that multiple times if necessary, until she gets where she wants to go.