I Don’t Want to Talk About It

I try to make what I write here reasonably positive.   Sometimes things aren’t positive because a given situation isn’t a happy or positive one in and of itself, but I hope I don’t use this blog ever as a place to just complain.  A lot of the time I get to write about fun or funny things that happen in our lives.   And yet if you’ve been reading along, you know sometimes it’s sad or difficult things that happen with my children or us.   It’s not all fun, but for the most part I like writing down memories here in the hopes someday my children or I can read these entries again and remember the good times we had.

But I’m not always happy.   Today, or rather just now, I’m pretty sad.   We had a great day.   We split up with my brother- and sister-in-law and their two college-aged children, my husband and me going to St. John’s island for the day.   The remainder of the family, including my children, did other things on St. Thomas.

We had a really great day.   We went to two beaches, snorkeled, saw some marine life, did some shopping, looked at some sights, had great Mexican food and came home.   The company was great, the location was beautiful and the weather was ideal.

So what’s the problem?   The problem is just that: I had a great day.   I didn’t have to think a single time about what I needed to do to for a visually impaired person.   I didn’t have to help a blind child who desperately wants to be entertained and mentally engaged have a meaningful day.  I wasn’t on call both mentally and physically all the time.

And I feel terrible that I feel badly for having a good day.   I dearly love my little girl.   But life is hard with a blind child.   Life is very different when you can’t see.   There are no family movie nights.   You can’t go and, “see” things.   This entire trip has had things planed to either include her or exclude her because she wouldn’t our couldn’t enjoy them.   We all want her to have a good experience here (and I think she’s had a great time) but it permeates everything.

After we got back I went downstairs to take a shower and unpack.   My husband came in and realized I was upset.   I said I needed to write a blog post but that I’d be okay.   He doesn’t know why I’m upset right now, mostly because I needed to write it out here first.   As he left to go back upstairs he said. “I’m sorry you’re said.”  I told him it would be okay.   He then said, “well, I’m sorry you had to marry me.”  And I laughed.   He can always make me laugh.  I told him, “It’s not you, you make me happy.”  And he does.  He’s a pretty amazing guy; he is a far more capable parent than I am on even my best days.

Some days I write things and I’m excited for people to read what I wrote.   But today, I just want to be sad.   To write to my future self and children.  To say that it isn’t always happy; it's hard sometimes.   I don’t want to talk about it though.   I said what I needed to say right here.   It’s a good medium for me, this blogging thing.

The Big Boy Update:  When I got in tonight I wanted to hug my children.   My son wasn’t having any of it.   He tried to get away from it, saying, “no hug or kiss!”  He relented and gave me an air hug.   Then, a bit later, he came downstairs to get something.   I asked him for a hug again and this time he gave me a really nice hug.   He even let me kiss him.  Sweet boy.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:   In the midst of writing this, my daughter rounded the corner into the room and said, “adorable!”  There was no particular thing the exclamation was attached to, she just said it.   She asked me what I was doing and I said I was writing my blog post for the day.   She said lightheartedly, “you’re funny, mom” and left.