The After Thought

Or, "What Was I Thinking?"

I've had this blog post title in my list for some time.   I put it there and knew I wouldn't be able to write about it until I was ready to.   It's not an easy one and I needed to process it before I could write it down.   

Sometime back at the end of last summer I decided to stop drinking alcohol.   I'd been doing this month on and month off of drinking thing for a while and it worked in that for a whole month at a time I wasn't drinking any alcohol, but when the month was over, there were just too many reasons  to drink and I was just drinking too much.  

Alcohol seems to to be part of our social environment in so many situations.   There's a school event on the weekend or a holiday party or a barbecue out back at a neighbors house or a Halloween adult beverage competition.   There were  Friday nights at the fire pit, birthday parties, dinner out with friends, an impromptu snow day happy hour next door or any and all afternoons at the pool during the summer with neighbors.    There are more, those just come to mind. 

Suffice it to say, there were more days in which there was a socially acceptable reason to drink than there were otherwise.   There was peer pressure too.   Someone found a new beer and you should try it.   There are margaritas made from scratch, would you like one?  And, "what do you mean, you're not drinking?"  No one was looking down on me for not drinking, it just seemed there was a lot of incredulity that I would pass up an opportunity to drink alcohol when there was one. 

And that was the problem, I wasn't passing up on any of those opportunities.   Toddlers are wonderful, happy, infuriating little creatures that suck the energy out of you on a daily basis.  I love my job as mom, but all the mothers I know think a glass of wine sure takes the toddler edge off.  

So that's the preamble.   The story and reason I haven't written about this in almost seven months is that sometime back at the end of the summer, I woke up one morning and was still drunk.   Well, maybe not drunk, but I sure as hell wasn't sober.     I had two children that needed to get to school and I couldn't do it.   I felt awful.   I told my husband he'd have to do it all and I was sorry.    

He did everything including and up to when he left to go out of town later that day.   I still felt so bad I stuck the kids in front of the television until bedtime and finally felt normal the next morning. 

It was a bad night and one I don't even remember why I needed to drink alcohol to enjoy.    That morning, feeling like, "hell warmed over" as my mother says, I told myself I'd best stop, because, hell, what was I thinking?  

I did stop drinking and haven't been upset about it at all since that day.   I didn't explain things to people for a while because, truthfully, I was upset at myself and I was still working through it.    But it's easier all around socially like this.   It's hard to say, "I don't feel like joining you in a glass of wine tonight so you're going to have to drink on your own."   You don't have to feel pressured because the other person doesn't want to have to finish a bottle of wine themselves.    I just say "I stopped drinking."   People are usually interested and I say, "I woke up one day still drunk and I realized I needed to stop."   That usually ends the conversation.   

I don't think I was an alcoholic, I didn't exhibit the classic signs, but I do think I was drinking too much and when I did drink, I drank more than I needed to.   

It's been mostly a relief not drinking.   At some point I'm sure I'll have a glass of wine or cocktail or beer with friends over dinner, but I'm not in a hurry to make that decision right now.

The Big Boy Update:  We just drove over to Uncle Jonathan's house that he moved into last month.   As my husband backed in with the windows rolled down, my son looked out and said, "it's beautiful here."

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:  This morning my daughter and I were dancing to some music while we did the laundry together.   My daughter looked up and said, "mom, maybe I need two sticks and a drum."

The Pack In The Calories Update:  I've decided I hate the pre-race day gorge-fest.   I need to eat a lot, but I get overly full and uncomfortable.   It's not as fun as it sounds like it would be.  Marathon tomorrow.   I'm looking forward to it.