Distrust

My son loves video games.   Computer games, iPad games, Switch games, watching videos about playing games.   There is a lot of negativity about video games and screen times these days.   As a parent, it's important to make good decisions for our children when it comes to so many things: diet, behavior, expectations are only some of the many things you have to navigate and make choices you believe are good and beneficial for your child's future so they can grow up and be a successful adult and lead a productive life. 

Screen time is one of those areas and one we struggle with.   On the one hand, my son's parents spend lots of time in front of a screen.   Granted, we're not playing video games all day, but we have phones we use quite a lot and we sit in the basement in front of our computer monitors much of the day.  Why can we do it when he can't is an obvious and in a way, quite reasonable question. 

We have some complicating factors in that my husband and I met through video games.  We were both well into adulthood, but we spent hours and hours every day playing games.   We didn't have children so at nights and on weekends, we were online with our friends, playing games into the wee hours of the morning.   Every single day.  

We didn't get addicted, it was our pastime.   We stopped and did other things in our lives.   The level of connectivity was different at the time and social networking was a long way off from being invented.   But we were on screens, playing games.    That doesn't mean it's okay for our son to do the same at this young age, however.   We've seen a lot of interesting analytical thinking develop from the creative things he's doing in the building world that is Minecraft.   But there is a limit, especially when there are friends to play with and other things in an offline world to do.   And yet, there are complications with that as well here. 

First, we're in the middle of a pandemic.   My son has one friend he can play with.  One.   And the amount of time Rayan can play is about two hours per week, maybe three.   We'd love for him to have more interaction with other children, but for now, that's going to be limited to school hours only—from six feet away, during recess.  

The second complicating factor is my daughter, who is quite capable but doesn't have the same ability to entertain herself without assistance or interaction from an adult in the same way my son can.   She has many things she does, but her fingers get tired of reading, she doesn't want to listen to a movie, she's already blown through another audiobook and she's tired of playing games with herself.   She also is very social and would love nothing more than to be played with all day long. 

My son and daughter do play together, but they get on each other's nerves after a period of time.   So there's some play, but not all day long on the weekends.   And that means the larger part of our attention goes to our daughter.    My son actually doesn't want to interact with us—he wants to play video games for entertainment.   I was the same way starting around his age.   I had early models of home computers and I played any game I could get my hands on.   I know what my son feels like because I was like that myself growing up. 

But we do have a problem because when we tell him it's time to stop, he doesn't want to and he can get angry.   Yesterday he was told screens were over.   He and his sister played well for a good period of time and then they made their lunches.   After that, I heard them up in his room.   When I came in, I could tell he was hiding something under the covers.   They weren't playing, he was just on the bed and she was doing something else.   Sure enough, he'd gotten his iPad when he knew he shouldn't have. 

This was after I'd caught him watching a show on the Alexa Show when he knew screen time was over.   What was he watching?  He said it was educational, and it was, as it was a cartooned version of the story of prohibition.   What was he doing on the bed with his iPad he shouldn't have had?  Watching that same show.   It was history, I told him, but there was more history than he would be able to learn about in his lifetime and that didn't mean screens were allowed. 

I came back a bit later and his door was locked, which was odd, because he didn't have a lock pin on his door anymore, having lost the privilege some time back.   His sister had given him her pin and was in cahoots with him.   We sent her to her room to get ready for bed, only to realize he was hiding something. He had gotten her safety phone and had pulled up the same video on prohibition.   It must have been good stuff, that video.   He's fascinated by history and from what I overheard while cleaning the kitchen, it was presented well and at an age-appropriate level, but he still didn't have screen time left. 

My husband and I hid all his devices and unplugged his computer.   Today, when he came home, he wanted to get on the computer and went into a frightful rage when I explained how I had lost trust in him after the day before.   He threw a spectacular fit and I told him to go read three books.   He ran off and came down with three Dr. Seuss books he'd read five minutes later.   I told him three "real" books, with no pictures, and I could recommend some if he was interested.  

He's not happy with me.   I'm the gatekeeper, I told him tonight as he was in bed, playing the martyr, saying he was never doing screens again because it was going to take too long to read the books and even when he was done, he didn't want to do screens again.   That was fine, I told him, but not to expect to have any screens at all for some time, because I needed to know I could trust him again.   

We'll see how it goes.   He needs less screen time but at the same time, I'm not against screens.   We just need a good balance for him. 

The Big Boy Update:  My son was furious at me, saying how his father and I always supported and agreed with each other.  And he's right, we always do.  In this case, I told him it didn't matter what his father had told him (he was at the grocery store at the time) that I was not allowing him to have screens.   My husband told me when we were alone that it was a good idea.   I told him I was glad to play "bad cop" for as long as it took to get him to reset mentally on what he should expect with screen time.

The Tiny Gitl Chronicles:  When my son gets very upset and/or we get upset at him, she jumps in and tries to protect him.   She wanted to be friends and play with him so much last night that she gave him her precious door lock pin, that she's now lost because it was taken away from him.   Technically, it wasn't hers either as she lost hers some time back but she keeps going around the house and finding pins to move to her door.   I have a whole little container of them hidden after taking them away at this point.