I’m Giving Up…Maybe

Before the new year last night I had decided. I was sure I could be a better parent. I could be nicer to my children. I could be kinder. They might trying their best to try my patience, but I could do this. I can be the better parent I keep wanting to be. Or so I thought.

Last night and this morning my son or maybe I or, hell, I don’t know. But he pushed it hard. He pushed just too much…several times. I lost my temper. My husband lost his temper. We both lost our temper again, later. I think I repaired the situation with my son after one of the incidents, we both talked and understood each other, and then he went and did something again.   My husband was so upset at him.  Or, hell, I don’t know, anything other than I just keep screwing up.

This morning my son did something again.   He tried again and again and then made excuses and wanted to negotiate and throw stuff and mess up what I’d been up early cleaning up for our leaving the rental house. And I lost it again. And I pulled him off the bed he was messing up so he wouldn’t mess it up any more and then my husband pulled him away from me and said I’d gone too far.

I told my son and my husband (in loud screams) and I think, now that I’m thinking back, that my daughter was there in the next room and heard it all too.   I told them it was okay that this time instead of my son wanting to leave this family, I did. I didn’t want to be mom any more. My son had yelled at while my husband while we were mad at him earlier that we should get a divorce. We always say back something in calm tones that this has nothing to do with dad and me and we’re not getting a divorce.

Anyway, back to the bit where I gave up. I told them that I would get a divorce, leave the family and they could do it all on their own. I felt bad because I wanted to get a family dog and she was sort of my responsibility.  But I was sorry. I needed a day or two.    I had tried and tried but I couldn’t get it right. All I am doing is failing.

And guys, right then, in that moment, that’s what I wanted. To be somewhere else where I couldn’t screw up anymore. Where I would know someone (my husband) was taking better care of my children than I could.

My son changed from defiant and angry to protective and angry. He suddenly told my husband to stay away from me. He hugged me and told me he was sorry. He told me he wanted me to stay. He said, a few minutes and hugs later, that he would keep hugging me until I was okay. This, from the child I have to beg for a hug.

I don’t know what we’ve screwed up. People keep telling us we’re not alone, that parenthood is like this. I hear stories from parents about their tantruming child and the trials they went through. Or the and how its tough to deal with it.   Nothing is working though.   Nothing is working.

We’re working with an integrative therapist, a play therapist, a music therapist. We’re doing Theraplay together and also brain remapping. With all this going on with the children, maybe I’m the problem. I feel like no matter what I do, we all lose.

And no, I don’t want to talk about this either. At all. I need to figure me out. Thanks for understanding.

The Big Boy Update: After suddenly jumping to my defense and comfort after I gave up today, my son has wanted to be with me. We played Plants Vs. Zombies on the plane together for the long flight. He wanted to play the original game. We got past new levels and he learned some new strategies from me that he picked up very quickly.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles: For my son’s birthday sleepover night, my daughter went to Nana and Papa’s house. She came home and the next night mentioned how her pajamas had been delivered warm to her from a brief stint in the microwave. She remarked, “too bad they can’t microwave cold toilets.”