We had a family meeting tonight. We had two things to talk about and to get the children’s input. The first was morning routine and how it seemed like we were being rushed in the mornings. Did the children want more time in the mornings? If they did, we could get up earlier, but that might mean we needed to go to bed earlier.
My daughter was all for getting up a full extra hour early (her initial suggestion). She falls asleep early so this would be no great hardship to her, but the rest of us didn’t want to take that option. We decided on setting our alarms a half-hour earlier with a follow-up alarm fifteen minutes later. My son, who has already been having a hard time getting up because he’s staying up late reading at night agreed he might need to read less and go to sleep earlier. We shall see how that actually goes with him.
We’ll see how to goes with my husband and me too. We appreciate the time we have after the children are asleep and we’re both asleep soundly in the mornings. The children both pointed this out. The earlier wake up time may be more difficult on us than it will be on them.
The next thing we had to talk about was non-negotiable behavior as part of our family contract. It was at this point that I completely lost my temper at my son. I’d been nearly a model parent for a week, working with some of the things I’d been discussing with his Integrative Therapist. My son was doing everything in his power to be rude, disrespectful, mean and above all not listening. He was manic. I tried lots of options we’d talked about but in the end I gave him a taste of his own medicine.
The thing was, we needed to talk about something he had done at school—used threatening words that were very strong about me after he was late getting ready and didn’t have his lunch box because I sent him out the door and wouldn’t let him take it due to his poor planning. He was the one this conversation was primarily about.
After I blew up I calmly asked if I had threatened anyone or said hateful things to anyone when I was angry just then? They said no. Did dad or I ever do that? They said no. We explained how adults could be sent to jail for making threats to harm someone and we wanted to help them be successful children today and for the rest of their lives.
My son and I had a nice conversation afterwards and he hugged me and read a note I’d written to him last week when I found out what he had said from his teachers. He admitted he was angry and that he didn’t really mean that. I said I understood getting mad and being angry but that he had to find different ways to express his feelings. But regardless, I would love him always, no matter what.
Then, as we were getting ready for bed, I suggested we come up with some way to describe what had just happened when.I got mad. Some way for us to say, “watch out, if you keep going down this path mom may well blow up.” I was hoping that by naming the thing they would want to avoid it just hearing it might happen again not unlike reminding a child if he doesn’t get dressed he might have to go to school again without any clothes on. (They typically don’t want to do that more than once.)
My son and daughter decided we should call it, “pancake splat” like when you flip a pancake over and it goes splat on the second side. I didn’t get how that was connected with getting mad, but I said sure. I also said I didn’t know if I could say that without laughing. My son said that was part of the point that maybe it would help diffuse the situation some (he actually said those words).
I don’t want to do it again. My throat was sore from yelling. Maybe it was a good lesson tonight though.
The Big Boy Update: My son wanted to take something of mine to school today for sharing time. It was delicate and he left it in his backpack or dropped it or something. It came home in pieces. He was pretty upset about it. I don’t say anything other than asking how it happened. He said he could tell I was sad.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: My daughter lay on the floor in a ball with a blanket over her throughout the family meeting tonight. She does this because she doesn’t need to see (or can’t) and she can listen better that way. But she falls asleep like that too. We had to end the meeting when we realized she was nodding off.
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