The Right Words

I’ve talked about my son recently including his anxiety, low self-esteem and penmanship challenges.   We are fortunate to be working with some skilled and knowledgeable professionals who are helping us work with him.    The news is there is good news—things are improving, and improving quickly.

Dhruti, our play therapist, said we would be able to see significant changes in only a few months.   Some of what needed to happen was to help my son learn how to work within his mind to organize it and understand what emotions he was experiencing.   But the more and more we work through what’s happening, the more I realize the large part of the burden is on us, as parents, to change how we interact with him.

For instance, we have a calendar to help him understand what’s happening in the coming month.   We review in advance each day’s schedule with him and we give him choices in specific ways, using certain phrases, while not letting him (or expecting him more specifically) to make other choices.   We’ve been helping him understand collaborative play and how to identify emotions and be aware of how emotions affect his behavior.  

The thing that’s been more impactful than anything though is the words we’re using when we talk to him.    My son seemed to always be getting in trouble, trying to do the wrong thing, pushing to get something more or something he shouldn’t have.   He was in what seemed to be a perpetual state of being corrected.    The interesting thing is, all that correcting, saying no, telling him he’s doing the wrong thing and removing privileges was not helping, in fact, it was causing the problem in the first place.

I’m starting to understand my son and I’m able to work with him, using slightly different words and tone than I had before.   The result is he’s starting to feel understood himself and the result on his end is he’s not pushing, not acting out, not intentionally doing the wrong thing.    He’s turning into a kind, generous person who says nice things instead of insults—and it’s largely in part because of the words we’re using.

Now that I have a better idea what’s going on, I’ve started seeing things from his perspective.   For example, tonight at dinner he was eating spaghetti at a restaurant.    He was using his fork, but his hand was involved to help get the buttery spaghetti into his mouth.   He was leaning over the plate, but not one hundred percent of the time so some got in his lap.   He was using his napkin, but only sporadically.     What did he hear from the adults though?   About fifteen times he was told he wasn’t doing something right or well.  

And yes, he wasn’t doing it perfectly, but if I were in his place, the message I would have gotten was I couldn’t do anything right, so why bother.   My heart was breaking for the little guy and I added positive and supportive comments and gave him a big secret smile from down the table.  

I’m still learning about which words are the right words to use in a situation.   In the above example, what words are better for encouraging a child to lean over the plate, use the napkin and don’t make a mess?   We, as parents, want a certain result and we do expect children to work towards improving their skills as well as behaving appropriately.    I feel if I could have the right words in every situation, he would be a much happier child.  

The Big Boy Update:  My son was offered some calamari at dinner tonight.   I don’t think he really wanted to try it because he told Grandpa, “if I hold it I’ll throw it in your face, and I don’t want to throw it in your face.”

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:   My daughter and husband have some game called, “The Tickle Game” that I have yet to see.   Someday I’m going to peek around the corner to see how it’s played out because the amount of laughter that happens is pretty impressive.