I’m Sorry

We had dinner last night with our friends from Jakarta, Handoko and Maromi.   We talked about many things, but the most common topic of conversation was children.    We shared our philosophies on raising children, giving each other advice on how we handled certain situations.   One of the things that came up in the conversation was children saying, “I’m sorry” to another child when they’ve injured or hurt their feelings, even if it was an accident.

In the past, based on how our school works with the children during the school day, we have not specifically asked our children to say they’re sorry.   The rationale behind this is that commonly, children are not sorry and many times they did whatever it was with intention or even malice.   Forcing a child to say they’re sorry is hypocritical and can be a response given in anger, possibly even making the situation worse.

What the school does with children who have had an incident or conflict is bring the two children together to discuss what happened.   The teacher facilitates conversation and helps the children through conflict resolution, helping them come to a peaceful conclusion.   If a child intentionally hurt another child they are required to ask the other child, “are you okay?”  If the child says they aren’t, the other child asks the child what they can do to help, such as getting an ice pack or a band aid.  This is the consequence the inciting child has as a result of their negative behavior as opposed to just saying, “I’m sorry” and then moving on.

We’ve been going with this model for some time, but after last night I had a discussion with my husband saying I thought our children were old enough now to understand it is a custom in society to tell someone you are sorry, regardless of the circumstances.    We’re still going to expect our children to address the situation and work on conflict resolution, but now we’re going to add in the expectation of an apology at the end.

The Big Boy Update:  My son has learned from a classmate that there are places on a lady that he can get a reaction from if he touches.   Whenever my son is around this other child (whom I like very much) I’ve noticed sudden changes.   I’ve had my butt slapped and my front poked.   Today my son grabbed both of my breasts, all in the hopes of looking for a reaction.   He very well knows it’s not appropriate as was evidenced by the answers he gave me when we had a calm, quiet conversation in the closet, away from other people.   I didn’t give him the reaction he was hoping for (hopefully) and hopefully the behavior will be short-lived.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:  My daughter hates doing eye drops.   For almost ten months now we’ve had to do drops up to four times per day with more than one medication.   They sting and she hates them.   We hate we have to do them, but it’s a necessary thing.  For the last two days I’ve asked her if she’d like to do her own eye drops.   She’s only so-so at getting the drops in, but she likes the independence it gives her so I’m going to continue to give her the option.