Children will push you. They will shove you and scream at you and yell and, I hear, even bite you to get their way. They're born selfish and they have to learn that everything in the world isn't all about them. And that lesson is a long one--or at least for the adults it can seem like it.
My son was big on the word, "no" for a long time. We dealt with tantrums for seemingly silly things. We fought battles that went on for more than thirty minutes, just to get him to do something simple like put the ten pair of underpants back in the basket that he'd dumped out for no apparent reason. We had been told all the hard work would pay off--if we were consistent--in about six months. We waited. We hoped. We tried not to get discouraged.
We tried not to lose our tempers too much (I was the worst offender) and we hoped we were being consistent. We continually evaluated our strategy and tweaked our "parental plan" often. We found out what worked, like sometimes saying nothing to a tantruming child gets the best results. We discovered many things that didn't work, like offering too many options in a situation where there should have been no choice at all. And ultimately, we wondered if it was personality and not parenting.
We kept at it. We got better as we refined our routine. And get this, as we figured out how to handle the children more successfully, everyone became less stressed. Tantrums shortened in length or disappeared altogether because children learn if you expect them to do something (or not do something) and you always follow-through, they learn it's not worth their time to fight you. My husband and I started seeing positive benefits and we were happier parents too.
I'd like to tell you where we hope to be in the future. I'll use two examples I've seen personally that fit my vision of parenting success:
The first example happened while I was substitute teaching. A child about five-years-old didn't want to share the blocks, so he threw them down on the floor and they scattered. The teacher walked over calmly and said, "we don't throw blocks. You may pick them up and put them away. The block are not available to you any more today" and with that she turned and walked away. The child looked a bit upset, but he cleaned up the blocks without another word. There were a lot of blocks and this process took him more than five minutes. When he was done, he put the blocks away and selected something else to do. I saw this type of scenario again and again while I was substituting. That wasn't an exception with one child, it was what happened each and every day with all the children.
The second story is one that I've seen happen regularly, even before I had our children. But before I was a parent, I didn't have the same understanding as I do now. Our friends come to movie night most Friday's at our house. They bring their three children who at first were three, six and nine. At the end of every night she would say, "it's time to go, pack your things up." Even if they were in the middle of a movie or busy doing some other activity, they began to prepare to leave, all without a single complaint.
Setting and keeping expectations is starting to pay off. We're going to keep at it. I'm looking forward to seeing more benefits in the future.
The Big Boy Update: Tantrum reduction. Something has clicked in his mind. It's not necessarily parenting, I think it's age and maturity. He's stopped melting down before meals for mostly unknown reasons. It's been making breakfast and lunch such a nice of late.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: Stool monster. This is not about the potty. This is about the stool my daughter loves to push around the house to use for standing on so she can see what the adults are doing at the various counters. If you take it away, she starts pushing chairs around and those don't all have soft fuzzy feet like I put on the stool. She's interested in anything and everything we're doing at all times.
Fitness Update: An hour in the gym this morning. It was cold out! Okay, we were wimps. Maybe we'll run tomorrow morning.
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