Penance Jar

We have some behaviors we want to improve on in this family.  My husband and I have tried to come up with ways to either encourage good behavior or discourage bad behavior.   My son is easy because he wants screen time.   He wants screen time above all else.   We can use screen time as both a punishment and a reward.

My daughter is a quandary though in that there isn't much to take away.   She doesn't have a single significant thing or multiple small things we can use.   That's not to say we need to bribe our children for appropriate behavior, but it's nice to have options.

My daughter and I came up with a new family challenge the other day.   It came about because my daughter had called her brother doofus or an idiot or some other name.   We've told them name-calling is not ever okay.   We were having to dole out consequences and it didn't seem to be working well at getting them to think about things before they said them.   So my daughter and I came up with a plan.

I sort of orchestrated things and we came up with this solution together.   We would have a "Penance Jar" that would take dollars.   If either of the children called someone a name, a dollar from their banks would go in.   I needed to have some accountability for better behavior too, so we decided if I said a swear word I had to pay penance and put a dollar in myself.

The plan was, at the end of the week, anyone who had zero dollars in the Pennance jar would get to have (or split) the funds.   If no one had zero, the pot would build for the following week.

We had a bit of a problem though: what was their dad going to do to pay penance?   So far, we haven't found anything penance-worthy for him, but we're not giving up.  Surely he has something we can find that he can improve on?

The next morning my daughter came into the bathroom where I was getting ready and asked me, "mom, what are the swear words?"  Here's the thing: my daughter has heard all the swear words a hundred times over—by me—but having to say them calmly, without the emotion behind them, directly to her, took some doing.   But I took a deep breath and told her.   We covered that darn, drat, dang, and heck were not considered swear words in this house (mileage in other families may vary, I said).

At the end of the week, no one had zero and I was at seven, a respectable number knowing me.   Will there be a winner next week?  We shall see.   So far, the Penance Jar is virtual only with no money actually being exchanged.   I've got to find a suitable jar and have them decorate it.   The act of putting a dollar in from their banks will only add to the deterrent I suspect

The Big Boy Update:  My son came inside last night just before bed.   He was mad.  Some boys were biking by that I didn't know well and they'd told him something.   He had said there were these girls and they were making fun of my daughter because she was blind.   My son wanted to go tell his sister.  I had to stop him and have him think through what positive could possibly come from telling her.  I explained that sometimes people say unkind things when they don't understand something.   He was visibly upset but agreed not to tell her.   Then he told me, "Mom, I hope you won't make me put a dollar in the penance jar or take away screens for this, but I want to kill those girls."

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:  My daughter loves the "pizza" game Dhruti gave us to work on.  Tonight I went upstairs when she was in bed with the light out, reading in the dark.  She gladly put her book down to have me do a longer version of the pizza game.   Not only did we make pizza, we washed the dishes, dried them and put them away—all by doing hand movements with firm pressure on her back.   It relaxed her and she was quite calm by the time I was done.   Her brother, wanting to participate too, asked me if I could make a cake on his back after I was done with her.