Grounding

We have new leverage, and it turned out we needed it, or have been needing it recently.   I don't know about other children, but I've been very disappointed and upset that my children seem to think it's okay to be outright rude to people, including, but not limited to family members and sitters.   Perhaps it's COVID-19 and the amount of time we've all been spending alone together or perhaps it's poor parenting on our part.  I don't know the cause but I'm putting an end to it because it is absolutely, positively not okay.

I've heard stories about when my son or daughter spends time with friends or grandparents that they are nothing but polite little beings.   For that, I am grateful.  Hopefully, it means we've gotten something right in that respect.  At home, there are two key things that seem to trigger this poor behavior.

The first is Alexa.   It doesn't matter what they're doing, whenever we ask them to stop or if we stop Alexa, they get angry.   We have had discussions with them letting them know any time we need or ask to stop Alexa, it is because we have something to say or it is time to just stop.  Period.  We don't do this to annoy or frustrate them, we do it for a reason.   Everything they do (with a few small exceptions) can be resumed on Alexa once it is appropriate.   Negative reactions and or verbal abuse when we stop Alexa (which we do when we ask them to themselves and are sometimes ignored) will be cause for a consequence.

The second would be what I was calling rudeness or disrespect.   I changed it around this morning and told them what we expect all the time from them is politeness and respect.   This goes for anything that might happen such as, "it's time to get your pajamas on and brush your teeth for bed".  They never want to go to bed and sometimes they react very negatively when this happens.   In any situation where they're not polite or respectful is cause for a consequence.

What are the consequences?  There are two new ones.  The first is the removal of the Alexa in their rooms.   They end the night with music or an audiobook reading to them until a sleep timer goes off.   They go to their rooms during the day sometimes and use their Alexa for a variety of things as well.  Taking Alexa away is the first consequence.  The second consequence is grounded them to their respective rooms.

Both of these consequences are newly afforded to us now that my daughter has moved into her own room.   It's powerful and they both definitely don't want it to happen.   If the situation merits it, they can be grounded and also have their Alexa removed.   Yesterday's chain of events was severe enough that my daughter is in her room all day today with no Alexa.   She came down for ten minutes to eat lunch and has asked to have dinner early because she's hungry what with no snacks and the banana and muffins I brought up to her for breakfast long gone.

Does this mean they can't get mad?  Absolutely not.   I get mad.  I yell.   But what I do when I get mad is tell them why I'm frustrated at them.  I explain my feelings, I don't insult them, tell them they're boring and I don't want to listen to them, and call them names.   Yelling is okay too, provided it expresses feelings.  We all get angry.  It's how we handle that anger that matters.

We shall see if the new consequences will make a difference in their behavior.  Already today my daughter's continued poor behavior has caused me to leave her room three times, saying, "it sounds like you're not ready to listen."   She yelled out of the door after the third time, saying, "I didn't mean it, come back, I didn't mean it."

The Big Boy Update:  My son was sent to his room around lunchtime today.   I went up a half-hour later to talk to him about the updates to our expectations and consequences.  He played a game pretending he wasn't listening to me.  I left and told his father to cancel lunch for my son, he wasn't ready.   My son changed his attitude immediately, asking me to come back and then listened to me very carefully until he understood what I was saying.  He had questions, which were good ones, and explained why he did certain things like talking like a baby when he was upset, saying it made him feel better.   I told him thank you for explaining that because now I know he's not trying to be rude, he's just coping.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:  My daughter, when she finally was ready, listened to our changes in expectations and consequences.   Then she asked if they could have a grace period of a few days, "in case we forget."  I told her I thought that was a great idea and that we would certainly do that; we were all going to need time getting up to speed on this.