Finger Pointing

My son sometimes takes something small and blows it all out of proportion.   It happens a lot when he wants to control something that’s out of his control.   It also commonly happens with his sister, who in no way is going to be controlled by her brother.   Today it was about finger pointing.

The finger pointing thing has happened before and my daughter knows when her brother isn’t being nice to her one of the best ways to get at him is to just quietly point a finger in his direction.   He will resort to violence if he can get to her, and since this happens in the car, means she gets hit.   Then there is crying, and yelling and, well, it just goes downhill from there.

Today I told my son, yet again, to just ignore it, her finger wasn’t hurting him.   It’s been other things too, I think the last time it was my daughter making clucking sounds with her tongue, and she wouldn’t stop, not matter how much he screamed, begged or threatened her.   I’ve explained that she is just going to keep doing it if she knows it bothers him, but he’s too upset at that point to be rational.

Today my son had been fairly unkind, controlling and physical with his sister and I wasn’t having it.   The song game we were going to play got stopped and as it escalated with my son, I also pointed my finger at him, saying, “see, it’s not hurting you at all.”

And you would have thought he was going to need hospitalization with the commotion going on in the back seat.   He’s had discussions with his integrative therapist about this before, understanding what’s in your control and what isn’t, but he couldn’t see reason.    My husband called about that time and I answered the phone in the middle of the uproar.

My daughter, completely silent in the back of the car, was probably still pointing her finger at my son.   I was pointing two fingers at him (with autopilot on).   My son was trying to reach my fingers and pull them off my hand while screaming.    My husband had no idea what was going on.

Once my son calmed down I said I’d stop, but he had to be calm.   It took a while, but eventually he gave in.   I need to ask Liz what’s going on in his mind when this happens, because it’s so upsetting to him.   And yet he needs to understand he can’t control other people.   Maybe she can help him and me in how we can better handle similar situations in the future.

The Big Boy Tiny Girl I’m Going To Die Update:   My son, when upset at us will say, “I’m going to die!” or “I’ll kill myself” other such extreme statements.   The play therapist said to not pay any mind to the statements because my son really didn’t understand what it meant, he just knew it was an upsetting to adults and was trying to get a reaction.   I didn’t have an idea about how far off their understanding was about death until tonight when my son, upon hearing he wasn’t getting dessert unless he finished his mashed potatoes, explained he was going to kill himself and be dead.   His sister jumped in on it and said she was too, because we’d taken her purple ball away.   We explained that dead meant forever and then she wouldn’t have the purple ball ever again.   She said, ?what does that mean?”  So we tried to explain death.   She said, “so do I just sleep or something?”  and then “but where am I?”   Both she and her brother really couldn’t understand the ramifications of death.   We didn’t dwell on it though because they finished their dinners and were deciding on what to have for dessert a few minutes later.