The Irritating Husband

A little while ago I called downstairs to my husband, saying, “if you write my blog I’ll finish everything up here”.  I just got to my computer to find the following blog post, ready for the “publish” button.   You tell me, I think he should ghost write this blog as me more often…
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I don’t really enjoy complaining about my husband, but it does seem to be one of my best hobbies.  He has been keeping me awake with his incessant snoring as of late.  I know it’s not his fault, and part of me feels bad when he apologizes, but there is only so much freight train I can take at 3am.  He’s even offered to sleep in another room while his sinuses clear out.  So far I’ve replied no, but I have such a strong, secret desire for him to follow through.  Let’s see what happens tonight.

Another skill I have is to immediately point out all of his failings as soon as I walk in the door.  Such as, the kid’s are three minutes behind schedule with their bath, there are 12 papers on the counter when he knows his permissible limit is 10, and why is he arguing with me when he knows that I’m the one that is right?  See, I knew you were on my side—ridiculous isn’t he?

However, my best talent absolutely must be complimenting him while insulting him at the same time.  My ability to do this in the most subtle way is probably Guinness worthy.  Most of the time he doesn’t even know I’m doing it, but at the end of the night, I get such a great internal chuckle out of my triumphs of the day.  Sometimes I get caught laughing out loud while thinking about all the clever things I said during the day, and when he questions what was so funny I have to quickly invent some imaginary text, tweet, or lolcat that I found amusing.  He falls for it almost every time.

Enough about him though—it’s my brain that’s truly extraordinary.  I know my husband gets confused sometimes, but really, how many people can be talking about topic A, throw in a mention of topic C while in the middle of a mid-anecdote topic B—all in one sentence without breathing?  I believe my brain compartmentalizes each thought into its own little bubble you know the kind of bubbles that I like that are store bought not homemade because the homemade ones are tricky to get just right like this one time I made some and I spilled it and it took so long to clean up but the store bought ones evaporate great especially the dollar store brands and then my brain can jump back and forth between the two or three or four of the cheap ones work great, you know? <big breath>

What do you mean you lost me??