I’m Giving Up…Maybe

Before the new year last night I had decided. I was sure I could be a better parent. I could be nicer to my children. I could be kinder. They might trying their best to try my patience, but I could do this. I can be the better parent I keep wanting to be. Or so I thought.

Last night and this morning my son or maybe I or, hell, I don’t know. But he pushed it hard. He pushed just too much…several times. I lost my temper. My husband lost his temper. We both lost our temper again, later. I think I repaired the situation with my son after one of the incidents, we both talked and understood each other, and then he went and did something again.   My husband was so upset at him.  Or, hell, I don’t know, anything other than I just keep screwing up.

This morning my son did something again.   He tried again and again and then made excuses and wanted to negotiate and throw stuff and mess up what I’d been up early cleaning up for our leaving the rental house. And I lost it again. And I pulled him off the bed he was messing up so he wouldn’t mess it up any more and then my husband pulled him away from me and said I’d gone too far.

I told my son and my husband (in loud screams) and I think, now that I’m thinking back, that my daughter was there in the next room and heard it all too.   I told them it was okay that this time instead of my son wanting to leave this family, I did. I didn’t want to be mom any more. My son had yelled at while my husband while we were mad at him earlier that we should get a divorce. We always say back something in calm tones that this has nothing to do with dad and me and we’re not getting a divorce.

Anyway, back to the bit where I gave up. I told them that I would get a divorce, leave the family and they could do it all on their own. I felt bad because I wanted to get a family dog and she was sort of my responsibility.  But I was sorry. I needed a day or two.    I had tried and tried but I couldn’t get it right. All I am doing is failing.

And guys, right then, in that moment, that’s what I wanted. To be somewhere else where I couldn’t screw up anymore. Where I would know someone (my husband) was taking better care of my children than I could.

My son changed from defiant and angry to protective and angry. He suddenly told my husband to stay away from me. He hugged me and told me he was sorry. He told me he wanted me to stay. He said, a few minutes and hugs later, that he would keep hugging me until I was okay. This, from the child I have to beg for a hug.

I don’t know what we’ve screwed up. People keep telling us we’re not alone, that parenthood is like this. I hear stories from parents about their tantruming child and the trials they went through. Or the and how its tough to deal with it.   Nothing is working though.   Nothing is working.

We’re working with an integrative therapist, a play therapist, a music therapist. We’re doing Theraplay together and also brain remapping. With all this going on with the children, maybe I’m the problem. I feel like no matter what I do, we all lose.

And no, I don’t want to talk about this either. At all. I need to figure me out. Thanks for understanding.

The Big Boy Update: After suddenly jumping to my defense and comfort after I gave up today, my son has wanted to be with me. We played Plants Vs. Zombies on the plane together for the long flight. He wanted to play the original game. We got past new levels and he learned some new strategies from me that he picked up very quickly.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles: For my son’s birthday sleepover night, my daughter went to Nana and Papa’s house. She came home and the next night mentioned how her pajamas had been delivered warm to her from a brief stint in the microwave. She remarked, “too bad they can’t microwave cold toilets.”

Some Days You Can’t Win

My son was having a hard time today.   He was being rude and unkind to his cousins and sister.   I caught the end of it when I got into the hot tub.   My son was upset, I think, because his sister was getting more attention than he was.   It’s hard to understand but somehow he’s feeling not included or left out of something.   The thing is, he’s been wanting to play on his Switch.  But maybe that’s been part of the problem.   I don’t know.

I’ve been good; I’ve kept my temper for days now.   That sound’s terrible, that it’s an accomplishment not losing my temper at my children.   It’s one of those things I’m working on.  I’m trying to be a better parent.  

My son refused to watch a movie with the family if he couldn’t play his Switch.   He was “forced” to watch the movie.   It was movie picked specifically for him, that everyone thought he’d like.  Now that he’s calm and watching, he’s actually liking the movie—aside from the bits where he’s scared.

Some days I can’t win though.  I was working on building my son’s self esteem up today, talking to him, listening to him and doing things with him.   And then I lose it all when I lost my temper at him tonight.

The Big Boy Update:  My son is excited tomorrow is 2019.   He’s about equally sad 2018 will be over tonight.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:  My daughter told Uncle Brian and me tonight at Dinner, “don’t say words starting with ‘M’because I miss Matisse so much.

I Don’t Want to Talk About It

I try to make what I write here reasonably positive.   Sometimes things aren’t positive because a given situation isn’t a happy or positive one in and of itself, but I hope I don’t use this blog ever as a place to just complain.  A lot of the time I get to write about fun or funny things that happen in our lives.   And yet if you’ve been reading along, you know sometimes it’s sad or difficult things that happen with my children or us.   It’s not all fun, but for the most part I like writing down memories here in the hopes someday my children or I can read these entries again and remember the good times we had.

But I’m not always happy.   Today, or rather just now, I’m pretty sad.   We had a great day.   We split up with my brother- and sister-in-law and their two college-aged children, my husband and me going to St. John’s island for the day.   The remainder of the family, including my children, did other things on St. Thomas.

We had a really great day.   We went to two beaches, snorkeled, saw some marine life, did some shopping, looked at some sights, had great Mexican food and came home.   The company was great, the location was beautiful and the weather was ideal.

So what’s the problem?   The problem is just that: I had a great day.   I didn’t have to think a single time about what I needed to do to for a visually impaired person.   I didn’t have to help a blind child who desperately wants to be entertained and mentally engaged have a meaningful day.  I wasn’t on call both mentally and physically all the time.

And I feel terrible that I feel badly for having a good day.   I dearly love my little girl.   But life is hard with a blind child.   Life is very different when you can’t see.   There are no family movie nights.   You can’t go and, “see” things.   This entire trip has had things planed to either include her or exclude her because she wouldn’t our couldn’t enjoy them.   We all want her to have a good experience here (and I think she’s had a great time) but it permeates everything.

After we got back I went downstairs to take a shower and unpack.   My husband came in and realized I was upset.   I said I needed to write a blog post but that I’d be okay.   He doesn’t know why I’m upset right now, mostly because I needed to write it out here first.   As he left to go back upstairs he said. “I’m sorry you’re said.”  I told him it would be okay.   He then said, “well, I’m sorry you had to marry me.”  And I laughed.   He can always make me laugh.  I told him, “It’s not you, you make me happy.”  And he does.  He’s a pretty amazing guy; he is a far more capable parent than I am on even my best days.

Some days I write things and I’m excited for people to read what I wrote.   But today, I just want to be sad.   To write to my future self and children.  To say that it isn’t always happy; it's hard sometimes.   I don’t want to talk about it though.   I said what I needed to say right here.   It’s a good medium for me, this blogging thing.

The Big Boy Update:  When I got in tonight I wanted to hug my children.   My son wasn’t having any of it.   He tried to get away from it, saying, “no hug or kiss!”  He relented and gave me an air hug.   Then, a bit later, he came downstairs to get something.   I asked him for a hug again and this time he gave me a really nice hug.   He even let me kiss him.  Sweet boy.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:   In the midst of writing this, my daughter rounded the corner into the room and said, “adorable!”  There was no particular thing the exclamation was attached to, she just said it.   She asked me what I was doing and I said I was writing my blog post for the day.   She said lightheartedly, “you’re funny, mom” and left.

Pot of Gold

Remember Hans Lollic?   It turns out that’s where the pot of gold is.



The Big Boy Update:  Uncle Bob made soup yesterday.   When my son heard it was time to eat lunch and there was soup made by Uncle Bob, he said, "I’m excited about Uncle Bob’s soup because I know he worked hard on it, and I’m going to try it because I don’t want him to feel bad if other people don’t eat it."

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:   I missed the conversation but apparently my daughter was talking to Uncle Bob, rating the family members at the house with her.   She said, “Uncle Brian is number one.”   Uncle Bob, apparently, didn’t make the cut.  As I’m writing this, Uncle Brian is looking over my shoulder.   He told me I ranked in at number six.

Rain and Shine

Today we were planning on going to the beach close to where we’re staying.   Some of us (my husband, children and me) had gone yesterday to this very idyllic, calm, friendly beach.   There was virtually no surf, the sand was almost shell-free, making it easy to walk on.   The incline into the water was shallow, while getting up to your chest in a reasonable swimming distance and there was no dangerous sea life like sea urchins or jelly fish to be found.

We were looking forward to going back today but the weather changed on us.   It’s windy enough that the umbrella and stand blew over on the pool deck but intermittent enough that periods of sunshine and calmness would happen from time to time.   It would rain—heavily—for a bit, get sunny again and then drizzle for another short span not that much later.

We decided to go anyway, packing into the car, to arrive and find the beach mildly occupied.   Uncle Bob and I stood under a small group of trees, talking, while others went into the water, causing the rain to be inconsequential to them,

The sun came in and out for a while but we didn’t stay long, as it looked like another round of heavy rain was imminent.  We’re back now, all showered and ready for a meal out tonight at a restored farmhouse.  

The Big Boy Update:  My son is having a hard time.   I can’t figure it out, he’s intentionally causing trouble, ignoring adults to their faces and then acting like he didn’t hear what you said.   It’s like he’s craving attention and is willing to take negative attention.   But he’s got lots of attention here with family and every time he’s been offered an alternative, like swimming with Nana in the pool.   I know he’s upset and doesn’t like himself though because of the things he says.   He keeps trying to sleep in the corner of his room on couch cushions instead of the sofa bed.   He’s a good guy, but he’s acting badly—and we’re just not sure of the overall “why”.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:  My daughter asked this morning, “what is coffee?   Is it just hot brown water?"

Very Artistic

Let’s see, what’s been happening here…we’ve been worried about the water supply here after finding out the house was on a cistern system.   There was a question about how much water was really available for use with the house with a recommendation from the owners to not overuse water.   It turned out we were fine on water supply, but for a day we didn’t know how careful and conservative we have to be.

Most of the family went to St. John today.   My husband and I decided it would be a better experience for our children (my daughter in particular) to stay here and spend the day at the beach, which turned out to be a good decision.  Both children had a good time.   My son and husband did some snorkeling and my daughter and I spent time in the sun, sand and very, very mild surf.

We came home and got in the pool and hot tub after washing off the sand.   Some time later all the family who’d gone to St. John came back.   I took my daughter downstairs to get showered and dressed.    After she was out of the shower I followed her out into the outer room to get her eye drops, only to look out to see my brother-in-law, Bob,  and mother-in-law outside with some conversation about the cistern ongoing.   I, in classic me style, didn’t have any clothes on.   One of my brother-in-law’s saw me before I turned around and headed back into the bedroom.

Later we talked about it, laughing at the whole situation.   My brother-in-law said it was very artistic when he turned around and saw me standing there, talking to my daughter, partially covered in a towel.   I told him I was going to take, “very artistic” as the compliment of the day.


The Big Boy Update:  Someone in our house used the ‘f-word’ yesterday.   My son, with terrible timing, said, “you’re not suppose to say the f-word around kids”.   This is interesting in and of itself because the person in his household who has the biggest problem with the f-word, saying it on a regular basis, is his mother, also the author of this blog.   He hasn’t corrected me for some reason.   Perhaps it’s because he feels I’m hopeless.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:   My daughter loved the beach today.   She and her brother made friends with another boy in first grade and did lots of things in the sand   Then she spent the longest time in the water on a boogie board.   She asked me if she could paddle out further.   I told her sure, she was in a safe spot in the calm, serene bay.

Snowday Tales

Some words from my daughter tonight:

The Big Boy Update:  My son wanted to eat a ring pop from his stocking this morning.   He somehow got it all over his face, making him look like a vampire.   It got better looking when he got in the pool.

The Tiny Girl Chronicles:   My daughter got her entire head braided in St. Thomas today.   It looks very cute.   She selected red, white and purple for the beads at the ends of the braids.   It took over an hour to get done, but it will last for several days.   She’s excited she doesn’t need a headband and won’t have to have her hair brushed for days.