Remember when I wrote the post about the word, “okay” and how by adding that single word to the end of a sentence such as, “you need to get your shoes on now, okay?” it confused things for my son? I was using the word to mean, “can you confirm you heard me?” but he interpreted it as “do you agree?” My son likes to have control of his environment and that simple “okay” at the end of the sentence was causing problems. He would decide that no, he didn’t want to put on his shoes. When I would tell him that he actually had to put on his shoes and he didn’t get to choose, it frustrated him and made him feel out of control.
Frustration would then ensue on both the adult and child side. But if I had said, “it’s time to put on your shoes now” he was fine. It’s important to give children choices (which we do) but my phrasing was giving him too many choices and when he made a choice and then had it immediately taken away from him it was causing him to want to control his environment even more.
So that’s fixed, I don’t use “okay” as a sentence terminator any more. Yesterday I found out I was doing another thing related to control and decision making opposite of what I should be doing with him. Let me take a quick aside here and say all of this doesn’t apply to my daughter. She is a different little human being and she doesn’t have the same rigidity he does so phrasing isn’t an issue with her. She likes to please, help and do the right thing. She appreciates advice and gladly comply without complaint.
Let me give an example of what I did wrong this morning and you’ll see what I mean: my son came downstairs dressed in jeans this morning. It’s going to be over ninety degrees today and he’ll be spending time outside at camp. I said, “let me give you some advice: it’s going to be very hot today, I would suggest you put on shorts instead of jeans so you won’t be as hot today.” This advice was wholly rejected by my son who got angry even at the suggestion.
I did the proverbial slap on the forehead, forgetting what our play therapist had said just the day before. I waited until he’d finished eating breakfast and tried again using these words: “I see you’ve chosen to wear jeans. It is going to be very hot today; if you’d like to be cooler you can choose to wear shorts to camp.” Without any objection he told me he would go change as soon as he finished with what he was doing.
What’s the difference between the two? In the first case I made the decision for him and told him what he had to do but in the second on he was given a choice and told the how his choice would affect him. Because he wants to have control, the second gave him a choice and control.
Have I mentioned children are complicated little creatures? In the two situations above, for some things I need to not let my son make a choice while in other situations I need to make sure he gets to make the choice himself. What Dhruti said was that my son wants to be in control and letting him make choices and decisions where we can will help center him and make him feel in control as opposed to out of control.
The “choose” word extends even further though into behavioral modification. For instance, “I see you’re stirring the paint so that it out on the table. When you spill the paint you’re choosing to be finished with the painting work. If you stir slowly then you’re choosing to keep painting.”
I’m a work in progress. What is amazing is how just with a few changes in words how he reacts so differently. Most of the work to help my son reduce his anxiety is going to be in how we, as parents, communicate with him.
The Big Boy Update: My son was very hot the other day and wanted something to drink while we were out. I told him we’d get him something to drink as soon as we could. He registered his complaint by saying, “soon I’m gonna be dehydrated!”
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: My daughter said the other day, “when I grow up I want to be a tooth fairy.”
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Trashed Swords
I have some telescoping plastic swords in the bonus room. They’ve been used by children and adults alike for years. They’ve survived many years and since they’re still fun, I’ve continued to keep them.
I got them at the Dollar Store a long time ago. I was thinking back this afternoon remembering when I got them and I realized it was five houses ago, which puts them being bought sometime before 1997. I think there were six of them initially but over the years through the repeated banging via aggressive sword fights some of them were broken, or rather parts of them were damaged. But since each sword comes apart into six pieces, the broken ones were scavenged so that the remaining swords were still useable.
Today I’ve been going through the children’s things and I’ve been helped by our sitter who in addition to being adored by our children, happens to be excellent at organizing things. She also gave me some good suggestions on things we could do as we rearranged things. As the time drew near for me to get the children at summer camp, I left her with instructions to go through the closet in the bonus room and make some decisions on where things should be sorted.
She left a short while later after saying hello to the children who were stuffing blueberries into their mouths after returning home. I went back up to the bonus room to finish up for the day and was about to bring down the big garbage bag of trash when I noticed a green plastic piece through the side of the bag. I realized it was one of the sword pieces which had been taken apart by the children at some point.
I went through the bag and pulled out all the segments, restoring the three-and-a-half remaining swords, employing tape where needed. They’re old and somehow they’ve become special to me. Thankfully, they’ll be around for additional sword fights in the future.
The Big Boy Update: The children are in “Bug Camp” this week at school. They are exploring bugs and learning to respect and understand them. This morning before going to camp we prepared to put sunscreen and bug spray on the children. My son got very upset and was absolutely not having bug spray put on him—because he didn’t want to hurt the bugs. It took some convincing but he finally understood the bug spray was to keep them from biting him, not to kill them.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: There was a game of super heroes happening this afternoon. Each child had their own super power. My daughter’s super power was rather special—so special that Keira asked her to tell me what it was. She had decided she had the power of “Sticky Elephant”.
I got them at the Dollar Store a long time ago. I was thinking back this afternoon remembering when I got them and I realized it was five houses ago, which puts them being bought sometime before 1997. I think there were six of them initially but over the years through the repeated banging via aggressive sword fights some of them were broken, or rather parts of them were damaged. But since each sword comes apart into six pieces, the broken ones were scavenged so that the remaining swords were still useable.
They look a little bit like this, minus the LED light-up part:
She left a short while later after saying hello to the children who were stuffing blueberries into their mouths after returning home. I went back up to the bonus room to finish up for the day and was about to bring down the big garbage bag of trash when I noticed a green plastic piece through the side of the bag. I realized it was one of the sword pieces which had been taken apart by the children at some point.
I went through the bag and pulled out all the segments, restoring the three-and-a-half remaining swords, employing tape where needed. They’re old and somehow they’ve become special to me. Thankfully, they’ll be around for additional sword fights in the future.
The Big Boy Update: The children are in “Bug Camp” this week at school. They are exploring bugs and learning to respect and understand them. This morning before going to camp we prepared to put sunscreen and bug spray on the children. My son got very upset and was absolutely not having bug spray put on him—because he didn’t want to hurt the bugs. It took some convincing but he finally understood the bug spray was to keep them from biting him, not to kill them.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: There was a game of super heroes happening this afternoon. Each child had their own super power. My daughter’s super power was rather special—so special that Keira asked her to tell me what it was. She had decided she had the power of “Sticky Elephant”.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Pieces Parts
It’s that time again—time to find all the parts to all the toys, games and children items and put them back together. Children like to move things around as they play with them and commonly they don’t all get returned to their starting place. I feel like this needs to happen on the same frequency as the “go through the pile of papers on the desk” work or “clean out my inbox” job people do. It starts out clean and organized but over time things just pile up.
The last time I started this process was when my mother was in town and then I began again when with my husband to clear out some toys my children had aged out of. Neither time did I finish the job completely, even though I made good progress on the overall project. Last week I got mentally annoyed with the disarray of children’s accouterments all over the house and made a mental note to start over with renewed enthusiasm once the holiday weekend was over.
I asked our sitter if she wanted to help some and she told me she loves organizing and would be glad to help. I got a good start today, going through some of the smaller areas in the house, taking piles of “this needs to be sorted” up to the bonus room for work through the remainder of the week. To do the job thoroughly, I’ve been looking at things and deciding what needs to be removed as well, such as taking baby blankets and other things that no longer have a place in the children’s bedroom to free up space for other things like Transformer character collections which would make better use of the available shelf space.
Hopefully I’ll get the job done completely this go round. Then…I can start on the attic, which is an entire other area that needs attention.
The Big Boy Update: My son and husband did their first night of fifteen minutes of “special time” together tonight. My son wanted to put a Lego together with him. They picked something small and were able to get a nice model done together.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: My daughter and I spent fifteen minutes together tonight playing a game she’s been asking for recently that I couldn’t locate until I started organizing the toys today. We played a hamburger game given to us by her cousin Olivia. She had her own rules which didn’t involve anyone really winning. Many burger patties were flipped and we were both imaginary “full” by the end.
The last time I started this process was when my mother was in town and then I began again when with my husband to clear out some toys my children had aged out of. Neither time did I finish the job completely, even though I made good progress on the overall project. Last week I got mentally annoyed with the disarray of children’s accouterments all over the house and made a mental note to start over with renewed enthusiasm once the holiday weekend was over.
I asked our sitter if she wanted to help some and she told me she loves organizing and would be glad to help. I got a good start today, going through some of the smaller areas in the house, taking piles of “this needs to be sorted” up to the bonus room for work through the remainder of the week. To do the job thoroughly, I’ve been looking at things and deciding what needs to be removed as well, such as taking baby blankets and other things that no longer have a place in the children’s bedroom to free up space for other things like Transformer character collections which would make better use of the available shelf space.
Hopefully I’ll get the job done completely this go round. Then…I can start on the attic, which is an entire other area that needs attention.
The Big Boy Update: My son and husband did their first night of fifteen minutes of “special time” together tonight. My son wanted to put a Lego together with him. They picked something small and were able to get a nice model done together.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: My daughter and I spent fifteen minutes together tonight playing a game she’s been asking for recently that I couldn’t locate until I started organizing the toys today. We played a hamburger game given to us by her cousin Olivia. She had her own rules which didn’t involve anyone really winning. Many burger patties were flipped and we were both imaginary “full” by the end.
Monday, July 4, 2016
Fifteen Minutes Each Day
We have had a delightful three days visiting with my husband’s family friends who are visiting from Jakarta. They are from Japan but have been living in Indonesia for over four years now. They speak English very well and their two children have been a big source of fun for our two children. We found out during our three days together we have much in common, even though our cultures and countries are different.
One thing we discussed on more than one occasion was children and parenting. Their children are older and were so well behaved. They were kind and understanding of our children, who were wild and crazy in comparison from what it seemed to me at times.
This evening Maromi and I were talking about children again and her husband and mine came over to join the conversation. She and her husband had a suggestion they’d implemented some time ago they said made a big difference in their family. They said it was a way to strengthen their connection with each of their children.
Each night at the same time for fifteen minutes, you spend special time with one child. What happens in that fifteen minutes is up to the child—the child is the kind. The important thing is to have fun doing something with just that child. The other child/children aren’t invited to be involved and afterwards, you don’t tell what happened, although if the other child wants to tell, that’s up to them.
In their case, they had two children so each child had special time with a parent each night alternating nights. Certainly there would be times that were exceptions, but make time, no matter how tired you are. And when the fifteen minutes is up, it’s over. Tell the child you’re looking forward to tomorrow night’s special time. There might be complaints initially, but after they understand, they don’t mind because they know there will be tomorrow and the next day.
Maromi told us they weren’t seeing results initially by their friend who was a Play Therapist that gave them the suggestion. It was then that I mentioned how helpful the suggestions from our play therapist have been and we both agreed, much of what happens with children behaviorally can be addressed by changing the behavior of the parents.
Different cultures, different countries, different languages and yet children are largely the same the world over.
The Big Boy Update: My son had a sparkler this evening. He was swinging it around so we suggested he could knight all the girls princesses and the boys princes. He must have thought this a good idea because a minute later he cried out, “all the girls are princesses and all the boys are girls!”
The Tiny Girl Update: My daughter may or may not see better with her glasses. It’s very hard to get clear information. In preparation to go see fireworks tonight she was in a talkative mood about what she could see so we asked her if she could see her iPad better with her glasses on or off. She said, “off” without any hesitation. She further told us she could see things farther away with her glasses on based on our next question. As I was making a note of this I mentioned to her she didn’t have to wear her glasses when she looked at her iPad if she saw better without them. Oh no, she said, the glasses helped her see when she looked at the iPad. What about distance vision? She said she saw better without the glasses, only she saw better with them…except for the trees which she sometimes sees. So there you have it folks, one hundred percent ambiguity.
One thing we discussed on more than one occasion was children and parenting. Their children are older and were so well behaved. They were kind and understanding of our children, who were wild and crazy in comparison from what it seemed to me at times.
This evening Maromi and I were talking about children again and her husband and mine came over to join the conversation. She and her husband had a suggestion they’d implemented some time ago they said made a big difference in their family. They said it was a way to strengthen their connection with each of their children.
Each night at the same time for fifteen minutes, you spend special time with one child. What happens in that fifteen minutes is up to the child—the child is the kind. The important thing is to have fun doing something with just that child. The other child/children aren’t invited to be involved and afterwards, you don’t tell what happened, although if the other child wants to tell, that’s up to them.
In their case, they had two children so each child had special time with a parent each night alternating nights. Certainly there would be times that were exceptions, but make time, no matter how tired you are. And when the fifteen minutes is up, it’s over. Tell the child you’re looking forward to tomorrow night’s special time. There might be complaints initially, but after they understand, they don’t mind because they know there will be tomorrow and the next day.
Maromi told us they weren’t seeing results initially by their friend who was a Play Therapist that gave them the suggestion. It was then that I mentioned how helpful the suggestions from our play therapist have been and we both agreed, much of what happens with children behaviorally can be addressed by changing the behavior of the parents.
Different cultures, different countries, different languages and yet children are largely the same the world over.
The Big Boy Update: My son had a sparkler this evening. He was swinging it around so we suggested he could knight all the girls princesses and the boys princes. He must have thought this a good idea because a minute later he cried out, “all the girls are princesses and all the boys are girls!”
The Tiny Girl Update: My daughter may or may not see better with her glasses. It’s very hard to get clear information. In preparation to go see fireworks tonight she was in a talkative mood about what she could see so we asked her if she could see her iPad better with her glasses on or off. She said, “off” without any hesitation. She further told us she could see things farther away with her glasses on based on our next question. As I was making a note of this I mentioned to her she didn’t have to wear her glasses when she looked at her iPad if she saw better without them. Oh no, she said, the glasses helped her see when she looked at the iPad. What about distance vision? She said she saw better without the glasses, only she saw better with them…except for the trees which she sometimes sees. So there you have it folks, one hundred percent ambiguity.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
I Don’t Play Chess
It seems like anyone who’s got any brain at all knows how to play chess. It shows up in television shows all the time where one of the main characters just happens to be a master in chess and casually beats someone which gives the good guys some advantage they need to beat the bad guys and save the day.
I’m not sure how I missed the chess boat when I was a child, but no one I was around played. We did other things like building exciting forts and tree house escape routes, but sitting at a table playing chess was never on our list of fun activities for our minds.
And yet just like people who are successful in business but have a residual level of shame because they never got a college degree, I feel I’m somewhat of a less-intelligent, less-accomplished human being because I don’t play chess.
If this is the case, why haven’t I taken the time to learn chess though? Ever since the first Nintendo system when I was in high school, there have been chess games. I could download a dozen free on my iPad tonight and get some good lessons in game play and strategy—and yet I’ve never made the effort.
Chess doesn’t seem interesting to me. Is it because I know how challenging the game is and to be reasonably proficient at the game I’d need to invest significant time learning game play strategies?
I just saw a ten-year-old play chess with his mother this evening, which prompted this post. Should I be teaching my children chess? Is it an important skill or is it simply a game that builds critical thinking skills?
The Big Boy Update: We went to a zoo today. The children were all looking at the pigs together when my son said out loud to one of them, “thank you for the bacon this morning.” We have told him bacon comes from pigs, but we have not been specific about how.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: My daughter told me, “when I grow up I want to be a tooth fairy.”
I’m not sure how I missed the chess boat when I was a child, but no one I was around played. We did other things like building exciting forts and tree house escape routes, but sitting at a table playing chess was never on our list of fun activities for our minds.
And yet just like people who are successful in business but have a residual level of shame because they never got a college degree, I feel I’m somewhat of a less-intelligent, less-accomplished human being because I don’t play chess.
If this is the case, why haven’t I taken the time to learn chess though? Ever since the first Nintendo system when I was in high school, there have been chess games. I could download a dozen free on my iPad tonight and get some good lessons in game play and strategy—and yet I’ve never made the effort.
Chess doesn’t seem interesting to me. Is it because I know how challenging the game is and to be reasonably proficient at the game I’d need to invest significant time learning game play strategies?
I just saw a ten-year-old play chess with his mother this evening, which prompted this post. Should I be teaching my children chess? Is it an important skill or is it simply a game that builds critical thinking skills?
The Big Boy Update: We went to a zoo today. The children were all looking at the pigs together when my son said out loud to one of them, “thank you for the bacon this morning.” We have told him bacon comes from pigs, but we have not been specific about how.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: My daughter told me, “when I grow up I want to be a tooth fairy.”
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Foreign Exchange Student Reunion
My husband’s family hosted a foreign exchange student at their home when he was in high school. That year their family had many good times with her and their memories have been retold to me so I feel I know her myself. Since high school though, my husband hasn’t seen her. His parents went to Japan to attend her wedding and the two families have always kept in touch.
Yesterday her family arrived from Jakarta via London and were not surprisingly tired from long hours of travel. Today, we’re all acquainted and we feel like old friends already. Maromi’s two children are older than our children, but they’ve become fast friends. They all speak excellent English, but I hope to learn some Japanese words perhaps before they leave.
They’re here for two weeks and we’re looking forwards to many fun times and new memories from their visit.
The Big Boy Tiny Girl Slippery Slide Update: My in-laws took us to a new pool in their town today that has a big slide with twists and turns that exits out into the pool at the bottom. At our pool children have to pass a swimming test in order to use the slide. Both children are working on being able to swim unassisted across the pool to complete the test but for now, they got a preview at Nana and Papa’s pool on how much fun the big slide can be. They both went down about twenty times and loved it.
Yesterday her family arrived from Jakarta via London and were not surprisingly tired from long hours of travel. Today, we’re all acquainted and we feel like old friends already. Maromi’s two children are older than our children, but they’ve become fast friends. They all speak excellent English, but I hope to learn some Japanese words perhaps before they leave.
They’re here for two weeks and we’re looking forwards to many fun times and new memories from their visit.
The Big Boy Tiny Girl Slippery Slide Update: My in-laws took us to a new pool in their town today that has a big slide with twists and turns that exits out into the pool at the bottom. At our pool children have to pass a swimming test in order to use the slide. Both children are working on being able to swim unassisted across the pool to complete the test but for now, they got a preview at Nana and Papa’s pool on how much fun the big slide can be. They both went down about twenty times and loved it.
Friday, July 1, 2016
Twelve Years
I’m a little in shock right now. One of our friends has been in court for the last several days. We found out about it last night when his brother-in-law, one of our closest friends, called to ask if we could come sit in the courtroom as a sign of support for closing arguments this morning. My husband went and I stayed at home with the children.
The charge was rape, but the situation wasn’t straightforward. Three-and-a-half years ago our friend was at a party. There was alcohol, there was marijuana, and there was partying. Our friend stayed over that night and had sex with someone who lived there. He says everything about it was consensual.
The girl had broken up with her boyfriend that day or the day before. The boyfriend was in the house during the party and that night. The next day though she suddenly says she’s been raped. Our friend contends it was to save face with her boyfriend, which she had made up with. A rape kit was taken and yes, they had had sex. All sorts of legal things followed, which led up to today.
My husband heard some of the details from today and the entire situation seemed to be two people in a room, having sex, with breaks in which she could have gotten up and left the room easily. She wasn’t being threatened or treated aggressively. There were text chains before and afterwards, some deleted later on her side but kept on our friend’s phone that were shown in his defense.
I could go on, but since I wasn’t there I don’t really know. If, what our friend says is true: that the girl said she was raped to save face with her boyfriend, then that lie started a chain of events which culminated today with our friend being found guilty and sentenced to twelve years in prison.
Was it a lie that was too difficult to get out of once started? There are too many components of the trial running through my mind that make no sense if she was a victim. If she was raped, then today she got justice. If she wasn’t, she has to live with knowing she sent a young, innocent man to jail.
I believe my friend.
The Big Boy Update: My son has anxiety issues, Dhruti told me today. This, I knew, but she said it’s something we need to work on. He worries about something bad happening in a movie, show or even book so much he doesn’t want to keep watching/reading to find out what happens next. Dhruti says we can help him work with this kind of anxiety with some strategies.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: My daughter told our sitter while at the pool this morning she’d like to go to lifeguard class so she could “be the littlest life guard to ever exist”.
The charge was rape, but the situation wasn’t straightforward. Three-and-a-half years ago our friend was at a party. There was alcohol, there was marijuana, and there was partying. Our friend stayed over that night and had sex with someone who lived there. He says everything about it was consensual.
The girl had broken up with her boyfriend that day or the day before. The boyfriend was in the house during the party and that night. The next day though she suddenly says she’s been raped. Our friend contends it was to save face with her boyfriend, which she had made up with. A rape kit was taken and yes, they had had sex. All sorts of legal things followed, which led up to today.
My husband heard some of the details from today and the entire situation seemed to be two people in a room, having sex, with breaks in which she could have gotten up and left the room easily. She wasn’t being threatened or treated aggressively. There were text chains before and afterwards, some deleted later on her side but kept on our friend’s phone that were shown in his defense.
I could go on, but since I wasn’t there I don’t really know. If, what our friend says is true: that the girl said she was raped to save face with her boyfriend, then that lie started a chain of events which culminated today with our friend being found guilty and sentenced to twelve years in prison.
Was it a lie that was too difficult to get out of once started? There are too many components of the trial running through my mind that make no sense if she was a victim. If she was raped, then today she got justice. If she wasn’t, she has to live with knowing she sent a young, innocent man to jail.
I believe my friend.
The Big Boy Update: My son has anxiety issues, Dhruti told me today. This, I knew, but she said it’s something we need to work on. He worries about something bad happening in a movie, show or even book so much he doesn’t want to keep watching/reading to find out what happens next. Dhruti says we can help him work with this kind of anxiety with some strategies.
The Tiny Girl Chronicles: My daughter told our sitter while at the pool this morning she’d like to go to lifeguard class so she could “be the littlest life guard to ever exist”.
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